Thanks for the Money: How to Use My Life Story to Become the Best Joel McHale You Can Be by Joel McHale

Author:Joel McHale [McHale, Joel]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9780399575372
Amazon: 0399575375
Publisher: G.P. Putnam's Sons
Published: 2016-10-25T05:00:00+00:00

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MY SON NEARLY VOMITED ON OUR NATION’S FIRST AFRICAN AMERICAN PRESIDENT

BARACK OBAMA’S BRUSH WITH GREATNESS

Once you have reached a certain level of fame and success, you will be asked to host high-profile events. I recited this sentence in the mirror, over and over again, every morning for six years. I did this because of a self-actualization technique I learned about in one of those books that Oprah makes you buy. I just can’t tell you which one, because it’s a—wink!—Secret.* Anyway, the technique worked, and soon I was offered several hosting “gigs.”*

I was asked to host the Independent Spirit Awards, where I stood in front of Hollywood’s elite and referred to the Mila Kunis/Natalie Portman drama Black Swan as “that movie where the girl from That ’70s Show eats out Luke Skywalker’s mom.” My parents were there, and I remember looking out into the audience and seeing their faces, reddened with pride. The cunnilingus joke I had disguised as a celebration of independent cinema then led directly to more hosting opportunities: the Writers Guild Awards, the ESPYs, and most notably, the 2014 Cox Communications Executive Management Forum.

I was also asked to host an exclusive event in Aspen where CEOs, high-ranking military officials, and Hugh Jackman all gathered to discuss issues that were relevant to them—like the economic impact of global climate change and how difficult it is to get gravy stains out of adamantium claws. And I’m not exaggerating about the guest list; this was a super-secret, high-security, moderately well-catered event that brought together heavy hitters like John McCain, the head of the NSA, and Non-Chubby Matt Damon.* It was intimidating and nerve-racking to tell jokes in a room full of those who had protected the nation, entertained millions, and been monitoring my phone calls and emails since the second Bush administration.

I was in awe of these people and their various mutant powers, so I decided to be honest and straightforward. I began by saying, “I’m not gonna lie—not even under oath, as many of you have—this is an intimidating event. Sure, you all put your pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. But when you put your pants on, an oil company payoff falls out of the pockets.” They all laughed, because the joke was absolutely true, and because their human-behavior simulation chips instructed them to do so. I was literally speaking truth to power, and power was smiling back and saying, “Now, isn’t that cute?”

The interesting thing about really powerful people is that they generally have a good sense of humor about themselves, since they know, deep down, that they can send you and your loved ones to a work camp. I casually insulted these titans of industry—right to their ruddy, jowly faces—and they seemed to love it. I joked about how they all would meet up later to hunt poor people, I accused George Lucas of selling Ewok meat on the black market—it was great. So great that it led to an offer for something even bigger: a hosting job for the Costume Designers Guild Awards! .

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